MY MIND AND BODY TRANSFORMATION

I have struggled since my early teens with my weight. 
As a youngster gymnastics was my world and I was immersed in this sport. 
I was pretty good at it that is until I reached puberty at age 11, 12 when I grew up and out faster than I could cope with.

Puberty for young girls can be a horrific time, for the first time you are aware of your body, of it's perceived imperfections and I waged full on war on my body.

Being a gymnast I was under strict control. My coach was a horrible woman, every week she would weigh all the girls and ridicule and shame us if we had put on weight.

Now at the age of 12 I was as tall and developed as I am now. I was bigger than the girls who were 16, 17. 
I was tall and athletically built and I had a tiny bit of puppy fat, my hormones were doing their thing and I got curves and I was humiliated for that week in week out.

I was told I was too heavy, too fat, too tall and I didn't measure up in the sport or in life. 
I was sent to weight watchers at age 12 and I wasn't overweight.

At home my Dad who I love to bits was also telling me I was fat, built like a brick outhouse were his words.

I started failing in my sport, my self confidence and self esteem plummeted.

This lead to years of self loathing, self destructive behaviours, lead to me not respecting myself and making poor choices in relationships, dating guys who treated me abusively and all because I felt like an ugly, fat reject.

None of which were true.

It's taken me decades to unravel the damage, to change my perception of myself and my amazing body.

I started running even, just as a way, originally, to control my weight, how ironic that I find out years years later, that helps but isn't the fastest route to fat loss.

I pushed my body to extremes firstly to control my weight and later to prove that I was worth something, that I wasn't useless like I had been told over and over.

And then a beautiful thing happened. My running became a release, a way to feel more in control, a way to get a grips with my very obsessive and addictive personality and to channel my considerable determination into more positive pursuits.

Running rebuilt my life, the experiences I had, the obstacles I faced, the struggles I experienced, the limits I broke through massively changed the way I saw myself.

It literally saved my life. For a long time I had suffered from depression and suicidal thoughts.
It pulled me out of that deep hole and gave me purpose, it gave me friends who valued and respected me, it gave me insights into other worlds and cultures, it showed me just how strong I could be when strong was necessary.

It gave me confidence and self respect and as I learned and trained and got stronger it also changed my body but firstly my mind.

After years of ultrarunning though I started to deal with major health problems, my kidneys were damaged from pushing my body to the extreme in the hottest temperatures, from severe dehydration and having rhabdodmyolosis more times than I can count. 
That led then to other problems and so I had to give up that which had given me strength and confidence.

So who was I without that? That question is still unravelling in my head, but now I am healthy, I am happy, I am confident and strong I am still very definitely a work in progress but the distance I have come is less than the road left to go.

I have a huge amount of experience and compassion to share with others and I am loving coaching and helping others with the knowledge I have.

My training now is vastly different to my decades of ultra running but I have never felt so strong and happy. 
I can no longer roll out of bed and run 100 miles like I could for a long long time but I have my mobility back, functional strength, no more back pain, a six pack and can finally do a couple of pull ups even.

Life changes and we have to change and adapt with it. Learn from our experiences and empty out the garbage, the trauma that our childhoods and youth often left behind.

As we all mature and develop if we stay open hearted, if we keep a growth mindset we won't be limited to our past and who we were then but will be free to be anything we want to be.

I wanted to share this story to enable others to open up about their journeys. I want this story to empower others on their journey forward to a happier, healthier future.